It never ceases to amaze me...
how quickly time passes
how people and things influence everything that we do
how things can be really good and really bad at the same time
how you can be in a room full of people yet feel completely alone
how a word, a touch or a look can change our entire outlook
how we can give our heart away only to be broken again and again
how we can shed tears for complete strangers
how we can feel so much pain but pretend that it doesn't exsist
how you can spend your entire day with people that would not even notice if you vanish
but spend only minutes with the ones that you love
how we get so caught up in things that we want that we forget about things that we need
how we always seem to wait until it's too late before we realize what is important
Saturday
Hello God? It's me...Marti
Ok God, you got my attention! I am listening now but I am a little dense so you need to be obvious! I need fireworks and neon lighted billboards and a swift kick in the ass and a slap in the face. Perhaps even all at once! The first go rounds with the "big C" didn't get me but apparently I didn't learn anything form it either. SO WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME??????? Yes, you do have to spell it out for me cause I DON"T GET IT!!!! I will see the surgeon again next week I know this is no big deal but I just don't understand what you want me to do with this???? I feel like a rat on a wheel! Let's ust donate my body to science and call it a day!
Give me back the body I had when I was 18 I will take better care of it. I want to dance, I want to run and I want to sing.
So, what's next? Who knows? Life will go on. I am so tired of trying to figure things out for myself will you please just make it happen!
I am waiting for the lightening to strike. I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. So excuse me if I sound a little fed up! KILL ME or get on with the good stuff! I am tired of waiting!
Give me back the body I had when I was 18 I will take better care of it. I want to dance, I want to run and I want to sing.
So, what's next? Who knows? Life will go on. I am so tired of trying to figure things out for myself will you please just make it happen!
I am waiting for the lightening to strike. I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. So excuse me if I sound a little fed up! KILL ME or get on with the good stuff! I am tired of waiting!
Sunday
Can I break down the walls?
What will it take to break down the walls, what will it take for me to stop acting like such a bitch. I remember my friendship with Doug all those years ago before I drove him away. I used to love just being with him. I loved the times that we laughed together, danced together, cried together and just held on to each other for dear life. I want that again, I want to allow myself to feel that way again.
I want to have that person in my life that person that just "gets" you. That person that just understands without having to explain. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason or laugh for no reason I want to share inner most thoughts I want to lay on the couch in someones arms just to experience the warmth. I want to walk through the woods holding hands or run along the beach splashing in the water, I want to feel, I want to kiss. A long passionate kiss. I want to feel the sun I want to share someone's pain knowing I can not take it away but knowing that together we can survive.
I have alot of work to do to break down the walls but if I don't I will die. I feel myself dying a little each day.
When I was faced with death as a reality due to health issues I wanted to fight. I wasn't ready to die. God was showing me what it was like to face the "end" but I wasn't ready, So now that he has given me more time why am I throwing it away a day at a time?
I want to have that person in my life that person that just "gets" you. That person that just understands without having to explain. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason or laugh for no reason I want to share inner most thoughts I want to lay on the couch in someones arms just to experience the warmth. I want to walk through the woods holding hands or run along the beach splashing in the water, I want to feel, I want to kiss. A long passionate kiss. I want to feel the sun I want to share someone's pain knowing I can not take it away but knowing that together we can survive.
I have alot of work to do to break down the walls but if I don't I will die. I feel myself dying a little each day.
When I was faced with death as a reality due to health issues I wanted to fight. I wasn't ready to die. God was showing me what it was like to face the "end" but I wasn't ready, So now that he has given me more time why am I throwing it away a day at a time?
Jumping ahead
Well I decided to jump ahead a bit to today because, based on the feedback I have gotten from those of you that are actually reading this thing, you all think I have lost my mind.
Okay, well so maybe you are right! The purpose of this was not to dwell on the sadness of my past as much as it is a tool to help me figure out where I am going in life. I just thought that if maybe I could start from the beginning it would make more sense. But, apparently my beginning sounds more like a soap opera than reality. Yes, there was a lot of painful times but, it is what it is and I am who I am today because of it.
I love deeply but I love privately. I guess somewhere along the way I decided that if I don't let on how deeply I care it won't hurt so much when it ends. That obviously is not the case. Life is full of beginnings and endings. I seem to have more endings than I want to. So many good things and good people have passed through my life some are still here some are gone but life continues. You know the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" Well, I have learned, I wouldn't trade to love that I have had despite the loss.
Okay so again, not to focus on that bad....
I have the most beautiful family, I have four "kids" who despite the fact that their mother is a complete flake, have grown into really amazing people. I will start in order of the way that they came into my life.
Kristen, my oldest (but not the oldest of the 4)She was my first born. Totally unplanned. She came at a time in my life that was not ideal for me to bring an innocent bystander into the mix but God put her in my life at that time I believe to save me. I was spiraling out of control. She gave me purpose, she gave me hope for a future, she gave me the ability to love again. Isn't it amazing how things happen? Its not like I woke up one day and said, " hmmmm a baby, yeah that's just what I need right not." Yeah right! But none the less there she was I guess that's a lot of pressure to put on this precious gift but that's how it was. It also completely changed my relationship with my own mother. I thought my mom would disown me, I fully expected her to turn her back on me for being so stupid. Instead, she was loving and supportive! WOW, did I really have the right phone number? I saw a side of her I didn't know existed. What a wake up call!
Kristen came along, innocent beautiful, and full of love and hope, I saw my future as I never imagined. I hope someday she will know that despite our rocky life together she was the best thing to happen to me at a time when I thought all was lost. She has fortunately (or unfortunately) turned out a lot like me (you can determine the similar traits). Stubborn, strong willed, loving, opinionated, smart, talented creative and beautiful. She also learned from a life filled with disappointments and hard knocks to build walls to "protect" that inner soul. She loves deeply and completely but only to the point where the pain is not detectable to others. I am so sorry to have passed on that trait to her. She deserves to know that unconditional free spirited love. I don't think she will ever have the pleasure of knowing that as I did way back when.
She has become a strong independent adult that will never have any trouble getting what she truly goes after in life.
Next came Sarah and Ryan, I still consider them mine because I love them as much as I love the 2 that I gave birth to. Sarah was this shy determined little woman when I first met her at the ripe old age of 4. She was Ryan's mom for all intents and purposes. She cared for him she told him how to dress she told him how to eat, when to wash his hands etc. she cared for him with such intensity that it was hard to see her as a child. She protected him and cared for him when he was sick or hurt. That intensity has never wavered even 20 years later!
Ryan, wow, he was so introverted and angry and sad. He was horribly insecure. He was 2 when I met him for the first time. He was Sarah's little boy. A sad and lonely child when she was not there to pull him through.
I know that growing up they felt I was hard on them. I wanted so much more for all of them. I hated to see Ryan spending so much time alone and so sad. His emotion usually appeared as anger. At least when he showed his anger he was feeling!
Then came Brandon, so intensely wanted by me, I planned, I made sure. I was on my own in so many ways but that was ok, it made my bond with him that much more intense. He came early, he suffered he struggled to breathe, he struggled to survive, his fight brought us closer as his parents, his fight brought the kids closer, we pulled together, we cried together we even prayed together. He seemed like the missing link for bringing our family together.
The kids loved him, Kristen loved making him laugh, laugh so hard he would cry! They would fight over who got to do things for him!
Today things have not changed much with them and their relationships with each other. They all act as parents to Brandon, Kristen is completely independent, Sarah and Ryan are closer than any 2 people I have ever known. Brandon resents having more "parents" in his siblings but the love is unmistakable. Kristen fights with them all (it is her way of loving) Sarah and Ryan well, no one will ever come between them.
Mike is still my best friend, I feel sorry for him still loving me as much as he does because he deserves so much better than me. I will always love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone but he needs someone that give him all that I don't seem to be capable of.
Me, well, I am a lost cause. I want to feel again. I want to break down the walls that I have built. That is the purpose of this.
Okay, well so maybe you are right! The purpose of this was not to dwell on the sadness of my past as much as it is a tool to help me figure out where I am going in life. I just thought that if maybe I could start from the beginning it would make more sense. But, apparently my beginning sounds more like a soap opera than reality. Yes, there was a lot of painful times but, it is what it is and I am who I am today because of it.
I love deeply but I love privately. I guess somewhere along the way I decided that if I don't let on how deeply I care it won't hurt so much when it ends. That obviously is not the case. Life is full of beginnings and endings. I seem to have more endings than I want to. So many good things and good people have passed through my life some are still here some are gone but life continues. You know the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" Well, I have learned, I wouldn't trade to love that I have had despite the loss.
Okay so again, not to focus on that bad....
I have the most beautiful family, I have four "kids" who despite the fact that their mother is a complete flake, have grown into really amazing people. I will start in order of the way that they came into my life.
Kristen, my oldest (but not the oldest of the 4)She was my first born. Totally unplanned. She came at a time in my life that was not ideal for me to bring an innocent bystander into the mix but God put her in my life at that time I believe to save me. I was spiraling out of control. She gave me purpose, she gave me hope for a future, she gave me the ability to love again. Isn't it amazing how things happen? Its not like I woke up one day and said, " hmmmm a baby, yeah that's just what I need right not." Yeah right! But none the less there she was I guess that's a lot of pressure to put on this precious gift but that's how it was. It also completely changed my relationship with my own mother. I thought my mom would disown me, I fully expected her to turn her back on me for being so stupid. Instead, she was loving and supportive! WOW, did I really have the right phone number? I saw a side of her I didn't know existed. What a wake up call!
Kristen came along, innocent beautiful, and full of love and hope, I saw my future as I never imagined. I hope someday she will know that despite our rocky life together she was the best thing to happen to me at a time when I thought all was lost. She has fortunately (or unfortunately) turned out a lot like me (you can determine the similar traits). Stubborn, strong willed, loving, opinionated, smart, talented creative and beautiful. She also learned from a life filled with disappointments and hard knocks to build walls to "protect" that inner soul. She loves deeply and completely but only to the point where the pain is not detectable to others. I am so sorry to have passed on that trait to her. She deserves to know that unconditional free spirited love. I don't think she will ever have the pleasure of knowing that as I did way back when.
She has become a strong independent adult that will never have any trouble getting what she truly goes after in life.
Next came Sarah and Ryan, I still consider them mine because I love them as much as I love the 2 that I gave birth to. Sarah was this shy determined little woman when I first met her at the ripe old age of 4. She was Ryan's mom for all intents and purposes. She cared for him she told him how to dress she told him how to eat, when to wash his hands etc. she cared for him with such intensity that it was hard to see her as a child. She protected him and cared for him when he was sick or hurt. That intensity has never wavered even 20 years later!
Ryan, wow, he was so introverted and angry and sad. He was horribly insecure. He was 2 when I met him for the first time. He was Sarah's little boy. A sad and lonely child when she was not there to pull him through.
I know that growing up they felt I was hard on them. I wanted so much more for all of them. I hated to see Ryan spending so much time alone and so sad. His emotion usually appeared as anger. At least when he showed his anger he was feeling!
Then came Brandon, so intensely wanted by me, I planned, I made sure. I was on my own in so many ways but that was ok, it made my bond with him that much more intense. He came early, he suffered he struggled to breathe, he struggled to survive, his fight brought us closer as his parents, his fight brought the kids closer, we pulled together, we cried together we even prayed together. He seemed like the missing link for bringing our family together.
The kids loved him, Kristen loved making him laugh, laugh so hard he would cry! They would fight over who got to do things for him!
Today things have not changed much with them and their relationships with each other. They all act as parents to Brandon, Kristen is completely independent, Sarah and Ryan are closer than any 2 people I have ever known. Brandon resents having more "parents" in his siblings but the love is unmistakable. Kristen fights with them all (it is her way of loving) Sarah and Ryan well, no one will ever come between them.
Mike is still my best friend, I feel sorry for him still loving me as much as he does because he deserves so much better than me. I will always love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone but he needs someone that give him all that I don't seem to be capable of.
Me, well, I am a lost cause. I want to feel again. I want to break down the walls that I have built. That is the purpose of this.
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