It never ceases to amaze me...
how quickly time passes
how people and things influence everything that we do
how things can be really good and really bad at the same time
how you can be in a room full of people yet feel completely alone
how a word, a touch or a look can change our entire outlook
how we can give our heart away only to be broken again and again
how we can shed tears for complete strangers
how we can feel so much pain but pretend that it doesn't exsist
how you can spend your entire day with people that would not even notice if you vanish
but spend only minutes with the ones that you love
how we get so caught up in things that we want that we forget about things that we need
how we always seem to wait until it's too late before we realize what is important
Saturday
Hello God? It's me...Marti
Ok God, you got my attention! I am listening now but I am a little dense so you need to be obvious! I need fireworks and neon lighted billboards and a swift kick in the ass and a slap in the face. Perhaps even all at once! The first go rounds with the "big C" didn't get me but apparently I didn't learn anything form it either. SO WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME??????? Yes, you do have to spell it out for me cause I DON"T GET IT!!!! I will see the surgeon again next week I know this is no big deal but I just don't understand what you want me to do with this???? I feel like a rat on a wheel! Let's ust donate my body to science and call it a day!
Give me back the body I had when I was 18 I will take better care of it. I want to dance, I want to run and I want to sing.
So, what's next? Who knows? Life will go on. I am so tired of trying to figure things out for myself will you please just make it happen!
I am waiting for the lightening to strike. I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. So excuse me if I sound a little fed up! KILL ME or get on with the good stuff! I am tired of waiting!
Give me back the body I had when I was 18 I will take better care of it. I want to dance, I want to run and I want to sing.
So, what's next? Who knows? Life will go on. I am so tired of trying to figure things out for myself will you please just make it happen!
I am waiting for the lightening to strike. I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. So excuse me if I sound a little fed up! KILL ME or get on with the good stuff! I am tired of waiting!
Sunday
Can I break down the walls?
What will it take to break down the walls, what will it take for me to stop acting like such a bitch. I remember my friendship with Doug all those years ago before I drove him away. I used to love just being with him. I loved the times that we laughed together, danced together, cried together and just held on to each other for dear life. I want that again, I want to allow myself to feel that way again.
I want to have that person in my life that person that just "gets" you. That person that just understands without having to explain. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason or laugh for no reason I want to share inner most thoughts I want to lay on the couch in someones arms just to experience the warmth. I want to walk through the woods holding hands or run along the beach splashing in the water, I want to feel, I want to kiss. A long passionate kiss. I want to feel the sun I want to share someone's pain knowing I can not take it away but knowing that together we can survive.
I have alot of work to do to break down the walls but if I don't I will die. I feel myself dying a little each day.
When I was faced with death as a reality due to health issues I wanted to fight. I wasn't ready to die. God was showing me what it was like to face the "end" but I wasn't ready, So now that he has given me more time why am I throwing it away a day at a time?
I want to have that person in my life that person that just "gets" you. That person that just understands without having to explain. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason or laugh for no reason I want to share inner most thoughts I want to lay on the couch in someones arms just to experience the warmth. I want to walk through the woods holding hands or run along the beach splashing in the water, I want to feel, I want to kiss. A long passionate kiss. I want to feel the sun I want to share someone's pain knowing I can not take it away but knowing that together we can survive.
I have alot of work to do to break down the walls but if I don't I will die. I feel myself dying a little each day.
When I was faced with death as a reality due to health issues I wanted to fight. I wasn't ready to die. God was showing me what it was like to face the "end" but I wasn't ready, So now that he has given me more time why am I throwing it away a day at a time?
Jumping ahead
Well I decided to jump ahead a bit to today because, based on the feedback I have gotten from those of you that are actually reading this thing, you all think I have lost my mind.
Okay, well so maybe you are right! The purpose of this was not to dwell on the sadness of my past as much as it is a tool to help me figure out where I am going in life. I just thought that if maybe I could start from the beginning it would make more sense. But, apparently my beginning sounds more like a soap opera than reality. Yes, there was a lot of painful times but, it is what it is and I am who I am today because of it.
I love deeply but I love privately. I guess somewhere along the way I decided that if I don't let on how deeply I care it won't hurt so much when it ends. That obviously is not the case. Life is full of beginnings and endings. I seem to have more endings than I want to. So many good things and good people have passed through my life some are still here some are gone but life continues. You know the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" Well, I have learned, I wouldn't trade to love that I have had despite the loss.
Okay so again, not to focus on that bad....
I have the most beautiful family, I have four "kids" who despite the fact that their mother is a complete flake, have grown into really amazing people. I will start in order of the way that they came into my life.
Kristen, my oldest (but not the oldest of the 4)She was my first born. Totally unplanned. She came at a time in my life that was not ideal for me to bring an innocent bystander into the mix but God put her in my life at that time I believe to save me. I was spiraling out of control. She gave me purpose, she gave me hope for a future, she gave me the ability to love again. Isn't it amazing how things happen? Its not like I woke up one day and said, " hmmmm a baby, yeah that's just what I need right not." Yeah right! But none the less there she was I guess that's a lot of pressure to put on this precious gift but that's how it was. It also completely changed my relationship with my own mother. I thought my mom would disown me, I fully expected her to turn her back on me for being so stupid. Instead, she was loving and supportive! WOW, did I really have the right phone number? I saw a side of her I didn't know existed. What a wake up call!
Kristen came along, innocent beautiful, and full of love and hope, I saw my future as I never imagined. I hope someday she will know that despite our rocky life together she was the best thing to happen to me at a time when I thought all was lost. She has fortunately (or unfortunately) turned out a lot like me (you can determine the similar traits). Stubborn, strong willed, loving, opinionated, smart, talented creative and beautiful. She also learned from a life filled with disappointments and hard knocks to build walls to "protect" that inner soul. She loves deeply and completely but only to the point where the pain is not detectable to others. I am so sorry to have passed on that trait to her. She deserves to know that unconditional free spirited love. I don't think she will ever have the pleasure of knowing that as I did way back when.
She has become a strong independent adult that will never have any trouble getting what she truly goes after in life.
Next came Sarah and Ryan, I still consider them mine because I love them as much as I love the 2 that I gave birth to. Sarah was this shy determined little woman when I first met her at the ripe old age of 4. She was Ryan's mom for all intents and purposes. She cared for him she told him how to dress she told him how to eat, when to wash his hands etc. she cared for him with such intensity that it was hard to see her as a child. She protected him and cared for him when he was sick or hurt. That intensity has never wavered even 20 years later!
Ryan, wow, he was so introverted and angry and sad. He was horribly insecure. He was 2 when I met him for the first time. He was Sarah's little boy. A sad and lonely child when she was not there to pull him through.
I know that growing up they felt I was hard on them. I wanted so much more for all of them. I hated to see Ryan spending so much time alone and so sad. His emotion usually appeared as anger. At least when he showed his anger he was feeling!
Then came Brandon, so intensely wanted by me, I planned, I made sure. I was on my own in so many ways but that was ok, it made my bond with him that much more intense. He came early, he suffered he struggled to breathe, he struggled to survive, his fight brought us closer as his parents, his fight brought the kids closer, we pulled together, we cried together we even prayed together. He seemed like the missing link for bringing our family together.
The kids loved him, Kristen loved making him laugh, laugh so hard he would cry! They would fight over who got to do things for him!
Today things have not changed much with them and their relationships with each other. They all act as parents to Brandon, Kristen is completely independent, Sarah and Ryan are closer than any 2 people I have ever known. Brandon resents having more "parents" in his siblings but the love is unmistakable. Kristen fights with them all (it is her way of loving) Sarah and Ryan well, no one will ever come between them.
Mike is still my best friend, I feel sorry for him still loving me as much as he does because he deserves so much better than me. I will always love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone but he needs someone that give him all that I don't seem to be capable of.
Me, well, I am a lost cause. I want to feel again. I want to break down the walls that I have built. That is the purpose of this.
Okay, well so maybe you are right! The purpose of this was not to dwell on the sadness of my past as much as it is a tool to help me figure out where I am going in life. I just thought that if maybe I could start from the beginning it would make more sense. But, apparently my beginning sounds more like a soap opera than reality. Yes, there was a lot of painful times but, it is what it is and I am who I am today because of it.
I love deeply but I love privately. I guess somewhere along the way I decided that if I don't let on how deeply I care it won't hurt so much when it ends. That obviously is not the case. Life is full of beginnings and endings. I seem to have more endings than I want to. So many good things and good people have passed through my life some are still here some are gone but life continues. You know the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" Well, I have learned, I wouldn't trade to love that I have had despite the loss.
Okay so again, not to focus on that bad....
I have the most beautiful family, I have four "kids" who despite the fact that their mother is a complete flake, have grown into really amazing people. I will start in order of the way that they came into my life.
Kristen, my oldest (but not the oldest of the 4)She was my first born. Totally unplanned. She came at a time in my life that was not ideal for me to bring an innocent bystander into the mix but God put her in my life at that time I believe to save me. I was spiraling out of control. She gave me purpose, she gave me hope for a future, she gave me the ability to love again. Isn't it amazing how things happen? Its not like I woke up one day and said, " hmmmm a baby, yeah that's just what I need right not." Yeah right! But none the less there she was I guess that's a lot of pressure to put on this precious gift but that's how it was. It also completely changed my relationship with my own mother. I thought my mom would disown me, I fully expected her to turn her back on me for being so stupid. Instead, she was loving and supportive! WOW, did I really have the right phone number? I saw a side of her I didn't know existed. What a wake up call!
Kristen came along, innocent beautiful, and full of love and hope, I saw my future as I never imagined. I hope someday she will know that despite our rocky life together she was the best thing to happen to me at a time when I thought all was lost. She has fortunately (or unfortunately) turned out a lot like me (you can determine the similar traits). Stubborn, strong willed, loving, opinionated, smart, talented creative and beautiful. She also learned from a life filled with disappointments and hard knocks to build walls to "protect" that inner soul. She loves deeply and completely but only to the point where the pain is not detectable to others. I am so sorry to have passed on that trait to her. She deserves to know that unconditional free spirited love. I don't think she will ever have the pleasure of knowing that as I did way back when.
She has become a strong independent adult that will never have any trouble getting what she truly goes after in life.
Next came Sarah and Ryan, I still consider them mine because I love them as much as I love the 2 that I gave birth to. Sarah was this shy determined little woman when I first met her at the ripe old age of 4. She was Ryan's mom for all intents and purposes. She cared for him she told him how to dress she told him how to eat, when to wash his hands etc. she cared for him with such intensity that it was hard to see her as a child. She protected him and cared for him when he was sick or hurt. That intensity has never wavered even 20 years later!
Ryan, wow, he was so introverted and angry and sad. He was horribly insecure. He was 2 when I met him for the first time. He was Sarah's little boy. A sad and lonely child when she was not there to pull him through.
I know that growing up they felt I was hard on them. I wanted so much more for all of them. I hated to see Ryan spending so much time alone and so sad. His emotion usually appeared as anger. At least when he showed his anger he was feeling!
Then came Brandon, so intensely wanted by me, I planned, I made sure. I was on my own in so many ways but that was ok, it made my bond with him that much more intense. He came early, he suffered he struggled to breathe, he struggled to survive, his fight brought us closer as his parents, his fight brought the kids closer, we pulled together, we cried together we even prayed together. He seemed like the missing link for bringing our family together.
The kids loved him, Kristen loved making him laugh, laugh so hard he would cry! They would fight over who got to do things for him!
Today things have not changed much with them and their relationships with each other. They all act as parents to Brandon, Kristen is completely independent, Sarah and Ryan are closer than any 2 people I have ever known. Brandon resents having more "parents" in his siblings but the love is unmistakable. Kristen fights with them all (it is her way of loving) Sarah and Ryan well, no one will ever come between them.
Mike is still my best friend, I feel sorry for him still loving me as much as he does because he deserves so much better than me. I will always love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone but he needs someone that give him all that I don't seem to be capable of.
Me, well, I am a lost cause. I want to feel again. I want to break down the walls that I have built. That is the purpose of this.
The next phase part 4
MIKE...This is the next phase. I am not even sure where to begin with this one. I love thinking about the first time we met. Or should I say the first time we laid eyes on each other. I was running into Delynn's house to pick up Kristen (Delynn was my babysitter). Scott (Delynn's hubby) and Mike were coming out. They were going on a trip. On a Friday night I went to pick up Kristen Scott snuck into the other room and the next thing I know Mike was at the door. We hung out for a while and made plans to go out to dinner the following night. This was the night Kristen stuck a tiny plastic Barbie tennis ball up her nose! She was always sticking foreign objects up her nose! LOL
Saturday...I spent the day running around looking for something to wear that evening. I had a date! Several times during the day I spoke to Delynn and made it clear that I did not want Mike to know where I lived and I did not want to get "stuck" with him if it didn't work out. I was insisting I would drive myself! Well, Mike was very persistant and very kind and gentle over the phone so I was persuaded into letting him pick me up at home. Boy, am I easy!
I will never forget how he looked when he showed up on my doorstep he had a rose! A rose for me! Okay, so maybe he wasn't some sort of psycho, axe murdering, rapist. We had a great dinner, so we went for drinks after dinner. Scott and Delynn (being an old married couple) decided to call it a night and went home. We decided to go dancing. We danced the night away...literally. It was so easy. He was easy to be with. I don't know how else to put it. It was just... right.
It was followed by dinners, movies, dancing, lunches, flowers ...lot's of flowers, long talks, weekend getaways, friendship. True friendship. He knew that Doug was my "best friend" but he became my "best friend" in other ways.
I remember one time we were talking on the phone one evening and there was a comercial on TV it showed a burrito. I said something like, "oh that looks good, I could go for a burrito!" One of those comments you just say in passing. We talked a little longer and said goodnight. Shortly after I hung up the phone with him my doorbell rang and there was a delivery person standing there with a burrito!!! Already paid for! He was soooooo thoughful, he actually listened to me, even the little meaningless remarks people make he heard me! WOW!
We spent every possible moment together or on the phone with each other. We did things as a "family" when he was home and he was allowed to see his kids. We talked about our future, our dreams, our goals, we planned. WOW! I didn't realize people actually did that! There were alot of ups and downs trying to combine two families while tearing apart two other families. We were both dealing with ending our first marriages. I had to deal with the fact that his marriage ending was not his choice but her doing. I questioned was he rally over her? I even tried to convince him to go back to her. I am not sure if I did that as a test to see if he was really committed to me or if I did it because I wanted him to be sure that he was finished and it was right to move on. I also was dealing with the fact that she had hurt him so deeply that I felt I needed to make up for it. I was also dealing witht he fact that his family clearly did not want me in his life. I thought that was something that we couild over come. I thought, "they just need time", time to realize that I was not "just like his first wife", I was not going to cause that kind of pain.
The ring... He gave me a ring! Well, I guess it's official! I wanted to share the news with the world! I went to the local paper to put an engagement announcement in the paper. It never ran.
Apparently someone at the paper mentioned it to his mother ( my soon to be mother-in-law) she didn't feel the same joy that I did and somehow had it stopped. That should have been a billboard for me! I should have listened to my head worked through the issues with his parents!
I heard from another family member that when his father heard about the engaement he said "there is no way in hell I would go to that wedding." Again, another "billboard" I should have paid attention to! I thought we could overcome, I thought they would see how much we were in love, I thought they would come around. We went forward planning the big day. We moved out of the house that he had shared with his first wife and bought one of our own. I guess we celebrated a lot because the next announcement we would make was "it's a boy!"
Saturday...I spent the day running around looking for something to wear that evening. I had a date! Several times during the day I spoke to Delynn and made it clear that I did not want Mike to know where I lived and I did not want to get "stuck" with him if it didn't work out. I was insisting I would drive myself! Well, Mike was very persistant and very kind and gentle over the phone so I was persuaded into letting him pick me up at home. Boy, am I easy!
I will never forget how he looked when he showed up on my doorstep he had a rose! A rose for me! Okay, so maybe he wasn't some sort of psycho, axe murdering, rapist. We had a great dinner, so we went for drinks after dinner. Scott and Delynn (being an old married couple) decided to call it a night and went home. We decided to go dancing. We danced the night away...literally. It was so easy. He was easy to be with. I don't know how else to put it. It was just... right.
It was followed by dinners, movies, dancing, lunches, flowers ...lot's of flowers, long talks, weekend getaways, friendship. True friendship. He knew that Doug was my "best friend" but he became my "best friend" in other ways.
I remember one time we were talking on the phone one evening and there was a comercial on TV it showed a burrito. I said something like, "oh that looks good, I could go for a burrito!" One of those comments you just say in passing. We talked a little longer and said goodnight. Shortly after I hung up the phone with him my doorbell rang and there was a delivery person standing there with a burrito!!! Already paid for! He was soooooo thoughful, he actually listened to me, even the little meaningless remarks people make he heard me! WOW!
We spent every possible moment together or on the phone with each other. We did things as a "family" when he was home and he was allowed to see his kids. We talked about our future, our dreams, our goals, we planned. WOW! I didn't realize people actually did that! There were alot of ups and downs trying to combine two families while tearing apart two other families. We were both dealing with ending our first marriages. I had to deal with the fact that his marriage ending was not his choice but her doing. I questioned was he rally over her? I even tried to convince him to go back to her. I am not sure if I did that as a test to see if he was really committed to me or if I did it because I wanted him to be sure that he was finished and it was right to move on. I also was dealing with the fact that she had hurt him so deeply that I felt I needed to make up for it. I was also dealing witht he fact that his family clearly did not want me in his life. I thought that was something that we couild over come. I thought, "they just need time", time to realize that I was not "just like his first wife", I was not going to cause that kind of pain.
The ring... He gave me a ring! Well, I guess it's official! I wanted to share the news with the world! I went to the local paper to put an engagement announcement in the paper. It never ran.
Apparently someone at the paper mentioned it to his mother ( my soon to be mother-in-law) she didn't feel the same joy that I did and somehow had it stopped. That should have been a billboard for me! I should have listened to my head worked through the issues with his parents!
I heard from another family member that when his father heard about the engaement he said "there is no way in hell I would go to that wedding." Again, another "billboard" I should have paid attention to! I thought we could overcome, I thought they would see how much we were in love, I thought they would come around. We went forward planning the big day. We moved out of the house that he had shared with his first wife and bought one of our own. I guess we celebrated a lot because the next announcement we would make was "it's a boy!"
Life's Lessons Part 3
The next 2 weeks were spent laughing , playing, talking and being free. Everything a "family" should be. Only this wasn't my family.Why, why couldn't it have been? My best friend and my daughter, we were so happy together. Life couldn't get much better, this little cabin in the woods on the river. I was free, I was home. But it wasn't my home.Two weeks later reality set in and it was time to return to my life. As miserable as that seemed, I had this beautiful little girl that needed her daddy. I got on that plane and left a part of me behind.I was back in NC ready to deal with my life and move forward as I was supposed to. The homecoming was what I knew it would be, cold. Did you miss us even a little? Did you even notice we were gone? I never even got to unpack the suitcase and I knew what I had do...Starting over...a new life...a new beginning...Ohio, NJ, back to Ohio, Michigan! Yes, I was off to Michigan. My best friend was willing to give us a place to figure out what our next move would be.It was a struggle, it was crowded, me and my little girl, Doug, his boyfriend and his girlfriend.Yes, I said that right. I guess he was still struggling.It didn't work we had to go, he made the decision for me, he decided when and how, that was it we were out. In the middle of the woods, nowhere to go. It was a rough night that first night. But once again, it was a turning point.A family of angels took us in, they shared their home with us. They made us part of their family even though they were virtually strangers. I was on a list for our own place but it would take time.A few months later, we were on our own. Finally a home of our own! Just us girls!Reality check! ...Blinding pain, total darkness... I think my head exploded! Ambulance flashing lights, emergency room. I hear the doctors talking to my friends on the other side of the curtain. Die??? Who's gonna die? Not me!!! I have a beautiful little girl that will be home from her dad's next week. I can't die! Please, don't let me die!!! She needs me! Why can't they hear me! Lift off, I am in the helicopter being flown to God know's where! I wake up in a dimly lit hallway, concrete walls, oh, that smell, another hospital, why am I alone why does it look like I am in a basement? Did I die? I am not able to speak, where is everyone?I wake up in a hospital room, why does my leg hurt? why does my head hurt so much? What happened and where am I? I find the call button and ask the nurse what happened. Brain surgery? Anurism? Seizures what does this mean? I have to get home I need to be there for my daughter.Mike...Mike is this guy that is friends with my babysitter's husband I met him just days before this. He comes to see me, he travels 6 hours just to see me. He brings me dinner he is really sweet.Home...Mike still comes to see me, he takes care of me, he comforts me, he courts me, flowers, candy, dinners, movies, long phone conversations, weekend trips, lunches, beautiful cards what more could I want!Posted by Martiw at Saturday, October 25, 2008 0
Life's Lessons Part 2
The Next Phase PART 2
So, this goofy looking skinny guy with a shaved head (Doug) sits next to me in the grass. He just seems to know that I need to be handled with kid gloves. The next memory I have is driving down the road in the backseat of a car with a bunch of new Marines out for a good time. the driver is driving a little crazy but we are having fun. There is a fork in the road, the stop sign is dead center in the windshield, tires are squealing, brakes are screaming, dust is flying as we come to a sudden stop. Silence. Steve's bloodied face flashes in front of me, his dead body is suddenly in the car with me. Screams, wind in my face lights flashing around me. The screams are coming from me as I jump from the car running, running down the road, running to or running away? Terror, pain suddenly someone grabs me and pulls me to the ground. Arms wrap around me warmth, calm silence, sobbing uncontrollable sobbing. Okay, so maybe Marines do cry. Doug, the same quiet, shaved head guy that sat next to me earlier in the heat of the day is sitting on the side of the highway holding me in his arms as I cry for the first time I really cried. I had shed tears before but it was muffled by the shock. Suddenly, the only cushion was that of the arms from the stranger that was comforting me on the side of the road. I don't remember telling him anything, he jsut seemed to know, he just seemed to understand.The drama continues, fast forward, 3 months later. Christmas. I get to go on leave. Driving to Florida to meet mom at grandparents house. I caught a ride with someone that was driving their prized Toyota pick up truck to Miami. He said we could share the ride and he would drop me off in Tampa. 4AM...wake up work, work, work. 4Pm work is done, Road trip! Here we go, 3AM my turn to drive he is exhausted. Bouncing along, dust flying, tires squealing, turning, flipping, glass breaking, branches smacking the windshield, silence... blood, glass and dirt in my mouth. I am still in a seat belt, there is a tree branch in front of me I can touch the leaves, which way is up? I am so calm, I feel nothing. Someone is yelling, yelling at me to get out of the car. I don't want to move. He is still yelling, get out! get out! Now he is pleading not yelling. It's dark I don't see the road. Where are we? Semi truck pulls up, police come, luggage, tools, clothes stuff scattered along the road for what seemed like miles. The next thing I remember was waking up on the floor of my grandparents living room. Oh pain!!! Can't move, can't breathe, the pain!!! Pain pills, a whole box? Dr. can't write a prescription cuz I am military issue now so he generously gives me a whole box of "sample" narcotics!Back on base the barracks are empty. Everyone went home for Christmas. Pain pills are helping, but the pain is still there. Ambulance, emergency room, stomach pump? Oh that was awful! They could hear the screams in the waiting room. I am alone in the hospital room when in walks the Corpsman that is responsible for "watching" me to make sure I didn't try to "off" myself "again". Again? Was that what they thought? We talked, he was nice. They sent me away. Okay, so after 2 days they determined that I was not "crazy" I could go back to my unit.I was walking through the halls after a follow up visit with the "shrink" to make sure that I am not crazy. There he is, that same handsome Corpsman that was so thoughtful that night. How ironic, his name is Steve. We have lunch, he informs me that we will get married someday.Fast forward, to someday (about 6 months later). Wedding day. blah blah blah 5 months later. It's a girl!!!! Little baby Kristen is born. Later that evening, I find myself alone in the hospital, no visitors it's a military hospital only immediate family is allowed. Steve decided he would rather be out in the field with his unit than there with his wife and new baby. I jump through hoops and get permission for our housemate to be allowed in. After 5 days alone in the hospital I get to go home. Shawn is there for me and does his best to give us a smooth ride home. No balloons, no flowers, no pink stork in the yard. Just me, my new bundle of joy and "Uncle Shawn".Arguing, fighting, loneliness.The phone rings... Doug... car accident, heart damage...Oh God, not again!!! I have to go! I have to get to him! Husband, baby, please, I need to be there! ...He's ok!Every night staring at the moon. "Somewhere out there underneath the same bright sky someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight." The song plays over and over in my head.The plane land's in small town Michigan. I walk of the plane holding that tiny hand of my daughter as I see this tall, handsome deeply tanned man coming toward us with the biggest most beautiful smile across his face. Again I feel the comfort of his arms as he wraps them around me and transports me to a safe and loving place.
Posted by Martiw at Saturday, October 25, 2008 0 comments
So, this goofy looking skinny guy with a shaved head (Doug) sits next to me in the grass. He just seems to know that I need to be handled with kid gloves. The next memory I have is driving down the road in the backseat of a car with a bunch of new Marines out for a good time. the driver is driving a little crazy but we are having fun. There is a fork in the road, the stop sign is dead center in the windshield, tires are squealing, brakes are screaming, dust is flying as we come to a sudden stop. Silence. Steve's bloodied face flashes in front of me, his dead body is suddenly in the car with me. Screams, wind in my face lights flashing around me. The screams are coming from me as I jump from the car running, running down the road, running to or running away? Terror, pain suddenly someone grabs me and pulls me to the ground. Arms wrap around me warmth, calm silence, sobbing uncontrollable sobbing. Okay, so maybe Marines do cry. Doug, the same quiet, shaved head guy that sat next to me earlier in the heat of the day is sitting on the side of the highway holding me in his arms as I cry for the first time I really cried. I had shed tears before but it was muffled by the shock. Suddenly, the only cushion was that of the arms from the stranger that was comforting me on the side of the road. I don't remember telling him anything, he jsut seemed to know, he just seemed to understand.The drama continues, fast forward, 3 months later. Christmas. I get to go on leave. Driving to Florida to meet mom at grandparents house. I caught a ride with someone that was driving their prized Toyota pick up truck to Miami. He said we could share the ride and he would drop me off in Tampa. 4AM...wake up work, work, work. 4Pm work is done, Road trip! Here we go, 3AM my turn to drive he is exhausted. Bouncing along, dust flying, tires squealing, turning, flipping, glass breaking, branches smacking the windshield, silence... blood, glass and dirt in my mouth. I am still in a seat belt, there is a tree branch in front of me I can touch the leaves, which way is up? I am so calm, I feel nothing. Someone is yelling, yelling at me to get out of the car. I don't want to move. He is still yelling, get out! get out! Now he is pleading not yelling. It's dark I don't see the road. Where are we? Semi truck pulls up, police come, luggage, tools, clothes stuff scattered along the road for what seemed like miles. The next thing I remember was waking up on the floor of my grandparents living room. Oh pain!!! Can't move, can't breathe, the pain!!! Pain pills, a whole box? Dr. can't write a prescription cuz I am military issue now so he generously gives me a whole box of "sample" narcotics!Back on base the barracks are empty. Everyone went home for Christmas. Pain pills are helping, but the pain is still there. Ambulance, emergency room, stomach pump? Oh that was awful! They could hear the screams in the waiting room. I am alone in the hospital room when in walks the Corpsman that is responsible for "watching" me to make sure I didn't try to "off" myself "again". Again? Was that what they thought? We talked, he was nice. They sent me away. Okay, so after 2 days they determined that I was not "crazy" I could go back to my unit.I was walking through the halls after a follow up visit with the "shrink" to make sure that I am not crazy. There he is, that same handsome Corpsman that was so thoughtful that night. How ironic, his name is Steve. We have lunch, he informs me that we will get married someday.Fast forward, to someday (about 6 months later). Wedding day. blah blah blah 5 months later. It's a girl!!!! Little baby Kristen is born. Later that evening, I find myself alone in the hospital, no visitors it's a military hospital only immediate family is allowed. Steve decided he would rather be out in the field with his unit than there with his wife and new baby. I jump through hoops and get permission for our housemate to be allowed in. After 5 days alone in the hospital I get to go home. Shawn is there for me and does his best to give us a smooth ride home. No balloons, no flowers, no pink stork in the yard. Just me, my new bundle of joy and "Uncle Shawn".Arguing, fighting, loneliness.The phone rings... Doug... car accident, heart damage...Oh God, not again!!! I have to go! I have to get to him! Husband, baby, please, I need to be there! ...He's ok!Every night staring at the moon. "Somewhere out there underneath the same bright sky someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight." The song plays over and over in my head.The plane land's in small town Michigan. I walk of the plane holding that tiny hand of my daughter as I see this tall, handsome deeply tanned man coming toward us with the biggest most beautiful smile across his face. Again I feel the comfort of his arms as he wraps them around me and transports me to a safe and loving place.
Posted by Martiw at Saturday, October 25, 2008 0 comments
Saturday
Life's Lessons Part 1
I have been toying with the idea of actually paying someone to listen too me talk about myself with hopes of making myself into the perfect image that God intended. I decided that God does not need an inturpreter so I decided to try to lay it out myself and see what happens. So here goes...I remember as a child being the go to person, I remember friends coming to me to tell me their problems. I remember feeling the pain with them. If you cry I cry kinda thing. I recall my father joking about charging for my counseling services and telling be that I should become a "shrink" when I grew up. In my teen years he said I should go into Political Science because I so loved to argue. Some things never change huh?Anyway, I was a free spirit with a huge, open and giving heart. Then one day in December life changed forever. Suddenly, the one person in my life that I thought I could most relate to, the one person that seemed to actually enjoy my rebelious side, the one person that I truely felt loved me unconditionally and actually understood me was gone. POOF... just like that. Oh, I never felt such pain and emptiness and fear. The fear was overwhelming. Suddenly, I was alone with someone that I could not comfort, someone that I could not be the "counselor" for suddenly, that teenager that was so tough and fun but full of love for others was gone, gone forever. Now it was just mom and me. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I know she loves me we were just so different. She didn't have the rebellious streak like my father and I did so I always felt that she "just didn't understand me". Just like 95% of teenagers out there.So, here we were, two lost souls struggling to put on a happy face and move on. Friends didn't seem to get it. My friends had never experienced something so monumental and mom's friends still had their life partner by their side. Nobody "got it" so we pretended like all was well and went on with life. We struggled to get along, we were so different from each other. I became cold and uncaring, if you don't care you don't hurt. Life went on.My senior year in high school I met the "love of my life" he taught me to love, he taught me to care. He showed me love, he sang to me, he held me, he laughed with me and cried with me, he made me a part of his family. Oh, to have a family again, a mom, a dad, even grandparents and a little brother. I really felt like I belonged with them. I made the decision to join the military. In some ways it was yet another one of my attempts at rebellion. I was supposed to go to college like everyone before me. Before I left, we decided that we were going to make our commitment to each other official and sealed it with a diamond ring. After a tearful good bye, I was off, off to the next stage in my life altering transformation. The next 2 months were spent being broken down and put in my place. yet I never felt so good! I was so proud. Proud of myself! WOW, what a concept! Two weeks until graduation! I can't wait only 2 more weeks! I can finally see what it is to do something good! I can finally make my mom proud of me for a change. And...Steve, I get to see Steve. I am still so in love, I can't wait to start building a life with him! He had a made a decision to go back to college in a few weeks and make something of his life so that we could be together.Then it happened. I was told to report to the Chaplain's office. Hmmmmm what is that all about? What did I do? ...I can't breathe, I can't think, my head is spinning, I think I am going to be sick. I can't cry! Marines don't cry! This guy is an Officer I can't show emotion! Suck it up! He sounded sad in his last letters, I even asked my drill instructor for special permission to call home! Oh God, did he do it on purpose? I should have been there! I see the Chaplain holding out the receiver for the phone. NOW he is going to let me call home? NOW???!!! I don't know who to call, the one person I wanted to talk to at that moment was dead! Who the hell am I supposed to call?! The next thing I remember is the operator asking for the number that I am trying to reach. The number? The number...I don't know, I can't think! I say the first number that pops into my head, I hear the ringing, someone answers, and accepts the collect call. I hear his voice on the other end but I can't speak how did that happen? He repeats "hello?" I quickly hung up the phone. Somehow in the shock and confusion, the number that came to my head was that of my old boyfriend, the one that asked me out the same day of my fathers memorial service. Jeff,I hadn't spoken to him in, what, a year? But, he accepted the collect call. Why? Okay, think Marti! The next thing I remember was digging through my foot locker searching for the phone number. I have to call his mother, this can't be real! I have to talk to her it's not real...my eyes are burning, oh God I can't do this, it can't be true! Where is that number! Desiree is there she is trying to help me find the number. Don't cry Marti, Marines don't cry!!!! I tell myself but I can't hold back the flood of tears! It was an accident she says, he was on his way home from the dentist with Bobby. Bobby? Oh God, not him too! he was like my little brother! I want to go home! Home? What is that? Where is that? Bobby will be in the hospital for awhile. No funeral.Waiting for Bobby.Hours pass, or was it days? I don't know, it's all a blur. SSGT. Morton-Thompson calls me into her office. Uh-Oh, No one EVER goes into her office. That is off limits to the lowly recruits! She invites me in and askes me to sit down. She proceeds to tell me how proud she is of me and what I have accomplished in the 2 months that she has known me. WOW! Somebody was proud of me? What a concept! She told me to reconsider my idea of going home. After all, what was I going home for? Who was I going home to? He was gone! This was another turning point. The SSGT. was actually human under that funny looking hat! And she was proud of me! She's right, I have nothing to go home to. I don't remember much until graduation weekend. I remember my mom being proud I remember her face, so that's what pride for your child looks like!Mom and I took the scenic route home. I guess it was some bonding time for us. I remember walking up to the front door of the house and hearing the phone ringing. Hurry mom, open the door! I sprint for the phone and snatch it up. Gramma! Hi gramma! I am home! What??? Oh God! No, why didn't someone tell me! He was in the hospital all this time? Why didn't I know? You didn't tell me that in the letters! Gone? Funeral? No wait, this can't be! Funeral tomorrow!Wait! Steve's is the day after. Buried next to dad? Cindy was there, she was such a good friend. she was so wise for her age. She was sad and lost just like me. She was there. She was my counselor. BLURRRRRRRRRGraveside, Papa Max. The Pastor comes over to me oh, why do you have that look on your face? the pity! UGH! DAD, STEVE, GRANDFATHER.I arrive in Jacksonville, NC On my way to Camp Geiger. Oh, I think I had a little to much to drink on the plane, and all those cigarettes! Wow, it's hot down here! We have to sit outside in the sun for hours while they sign everyone in. OH, I don't feel so well and it is oh so hot! I am sitting in my self pity when he walks up to me. He sits on the grass next to me. He doesn't say much. He is just there. The next phase of my evolution...
Posted by Martiw at Saturday, October 25, 2008
1 comments:
Ron said...
Life is always full of suprises. They seem to never end especially the bad ones. They say things happen for a reason too but sometime I wonder. I do know that bad things happen to good people and you are a good person. :)
October 25, 2008 4:05 PM
Posted by Martiw at Saturday, October 25, 2008
1 comments:
Ron said...
Life is always full of suprises. They seem to never end especially the bad ones. They say things happen for a reason too but sometime I wonder. I do know that bad things happen to good people and you are a good person. :)
October 25, 2008 4:05 PM
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